I’ve used this blog to get my feelings, my experiences about being deaf out of my head. I spoke in the past about how I disliked being deaf… HELL I even hated it at times! But unfortunately I didn’t have a healthy outlet for my negative feelings ten years ago. I didn’t know how to communicate this to people who were hearing. I could have talked but I wanted someone or need someone who truly understood me, have an understanding of being deaf, experience the frustration of day to day stuff. I was being bullied all the way through social so I was used to negativity. So to deal with this, I turned to self harming.
The rationale behind this was to take control of the pain I was feeling after all it’s my body, so no one can inflict pain on me but me. Self-harming was also to punish myself, I saw my deafness as something that was my fault for example “I used to think me being bullied was my fault, because I was deaf”, everything that went wrong in life was a result of my deafness. My self- harming was a comfort, it made me feel alive.
I guest the reason for writing this is that I’ve found a peom I wrote nearly ten years ago… Here it is!
As my pain gathers,
whether it’s small or large,
soon it will overflow.
Rendering me to detach myself from people,
becoming numb to my surrounding.
I needed to feel …
As the crimson flows, against the pale,
my pain ebbs away.
I’ ve gain my peace and able to feel again,
but only for a short time.
The torment always returns,
punishing me for my peace, that Ive sought.
How can something that feels so right to me,
could be wrong.
It’s a no win win situation.
Its my pleasure but its my pain too.
People don’t seem to understand the logic behind it, but at times I didn’t understand it myself but it just felt right.
People may be disgusted by it, or don’t understand it… I’m not asking you to! Don’t pity me, feel sorry for me, or think I’m stupid for doing it in the first place. I been on a long journey to get to where I am today and my scars are simply my road makings. They remind me of who I used to be and how far I come! And more importantly I am not ashamed!